The new challenge in my life is upon me – living with a stoma and ostomy bag.

For those of you who don’t know what that means, I have a chronic condition, Ulcerative Colitis, which has required me to have my diseased colon removed.

As a result, my body needs a new way to get rid of waste and the solution to this is a stoma – an opening has been made in my abdomen from which a piece of my small intestine (the stoma) protrudes and expels waste into a bag which I fix to my abdomen.

It sounds way more gory than it actually is; however, naturally, it still takes some getting used to.

One way to come to grips with it, in my books at least, is to be as humorous as possible about it all. Be warned – when you have ulcerative colitis, talking about poop becomes second nature to you. Your doctor, your family, your true friends, they’re all invested too!

So I’ve come up with some things a person with a stoma can say or do BECAUSE of the stoma. Hope you enjoy them too (and take them in the tongue-in-cheek spirit they’re intended!).

1. If someone tells me I’m full of shit, I can truly say I am.
2. I can walk down a street alone at night because if someone tries anything stupid I’ll just whip out my bag and throw it at them – can you imagine the surprise on their face?!
3. Ladies – I finally know what it means for a man to be able to do his business standing up! And let me tell you, we were right, it’s SO much easier!
4. If you’re one of those… bye bye skid marks.(Sex & the City, anyone?)
5. No stool samples for me anymore… oh the irony.
6. I could sell bags of shit to, oh I don’t know, a parliamentarian or his daughter wishing to throw it at the House of Lords…
7. I have a potential group of people out there to become friends with, my fellow bag-mates, known as ostomates.
8. I could use the bag as an unusual weapon in a medieval battle.
9. If I ever get kidnapped, I could leave a poop trail behind for my rescuers.
10. If I need to poop while taking a shower, because yes, that happens, no quick drying session and dripping all over the bathroom floor cos hey, I can go right ahead and continue showering, my bag will take care of all that!

Take that, you colon users :)